Judas Iscariot, Administrator

Last weekend I saw Jesus Christ Superstar for the first time.  I really, really liked it.  But then, as I was singing Judas' big musical number "Superstar" to myself, I realized that the lyrics can be interpreted as the words of a university administrator.  To wit:

Every time I look at you I don't understand,
Why you let the things you did get so out of hand,
You'd have managed better if you'd had it planned,

Translation:  "You need to engage in strategic planning."

Why'd you choose such a backwards time and such a strange land?

Academics love to talk about how horrifying it would be to live in a small town or non-coastal city.

If you'd come today you could have reached a whole nation,
Israel in 4 B.C. had no mass communication.

Translation:  "We could solve all of our problems if we jumped onto the latest digital fads and offered more online classes."

Don't you get me wrong!  Don't you get me wrong!
Don't you get me wrong!  Don't you get me wrong!
I only wanna know!  I only wanna know!
I only wanna know!  I only wanna know!

Translation: "Please submit reports.  We need to know that you are spending your time on teaching, not wasting your time on irrelevant busywork."

Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ,
Who are you? What have you sacrificed? 

Translation: "In this time of tightened budgets (for everything except ballooning administrative ranks), we need to see evidence of shared sacrifice.  Are you doing more with less?  Can you submit a report on that?"

Jesus Christ, Superstar,
Do you think you're what they say you are?

Translation:  "We've reviewed your student evaluations.  Please submit a self-reflection in response, so that we can put it in your file."

Tell me what you think about your friends at the top,
Who'd you think (besides yourself) was the pick of the crop?

Translation:  "These performance reviews needed to be done yesterday.  We'll need you to work on them.  Please fill out the rubrics I'm attaching."

Buddha:  Was he where it's at?  Is he where you are?
Could Mohammed move a mountain?  Or was that just PR?

Translation: "We are pleased to announce our new diversity initiative."

Did you mean to die like that?  Was that a mistake?

Translation:  "Could it be that your problems are a result of lack of proper strategic planning on your part?"

Or did you know your messy death would be a record breaker?

Translation: "Or could it be that your budgetary problems were a deliberate sabotage that you'd use to demonstrate need when requesting more resources?"

On the other hand, it seems that Judas' thirty pieces of silver were not worth a whole lot, whereas university administrators make far more money than the people who engage in such trivial tasks as teaching and research.